The truth is I have been dipping my feet back in the landfill. It is almost painful to write the words, dare I admit it aloud.
The other evening I was asked that obnoxious question, “what is heroin like?” Immediately I thought of the word, heaven. My vision of heaven is fields and fields of flowers, sunlight, all of my dogs and huge trees with lots of shade for me to lie under. I’m ashamed to say that I did blurt the word “heaven” out. I stopped and said, NO, NO, NO. It is HELL. How did I forget so easily the pain, the sickness, and the loss? I tell myself I have three plus years clean. Do I? I have smoked and found it to be therapeutic at times. I have also gone overboard with the smoking. There I was “blown” and I loved it. The cherry vodka with my diet 7-up that I naturally nurse all night is just the right amount to get me “off.” Is my idea of being “clean” just some more bullshit I tell myself to get by? Has it all been a façade I have created to maintain sanity? The Xanax? The Adderall?
Have I made progress? Did I leave the landfill only to find a “cleaner” recycling center? The lies I have been telling myself. I am tired of just being “fine.”