I still don’t fit in. Fit in where? Here in this world or this specific mold that society has deemed I should fall into? I don’t know. Many addicts connect on this similarity alone; the feeling of simply never ‘belonging’ or ‘fitting-in.’ This very feeling is when one can find the rooms of the 12-steps to be most comfortable. You will here strangers share thoughts that you always thought made you absurd. To hear that others have had similar if not identical thoughts is comforting.
Now I must share my thoughts on the many 12 step programs that are out there. I have participated whole-heartedly in both Narcotics Anonymous and Alcoholics Anonymous. I believe there is something sacred in both of the programs and I am not here to bash either program. I use the word “cult” sarcastically. Many times during my long and painful struggle I would say to myself, ‘this is a fucking cult. These people are out of their minds.’ I have walked back into the rooms after being clean to check them out. The perspective I got from a clear-headed mind was much different. I listened and still found myself fearing the sickest of the sick were contagious. I too was once very sick. Naturally, I sat next to two of those souls and when they began to speak I shivered. I wanted my shield, my mask, FUCK, don’t let me catch this shit. Anxiety ridden, I reminded myself who was being the real nut job. One with my attitude needs to ask their selves, “How healthy are you really?”
Once I calmed down and did a self-check and began to listen to others I immediately realized that the “cult” really isn’t that bad; nothing more than a group of people getting together regularly, doing work to keep themselves well and help others. Seems like a win, win. Does this mean I will actively pursue more meetings, a sponsor and begin step work? No. For now, I am okay with doing what I am doing because it has gotten me where I am today. I know I have a lot to work on. Clearly my irrational thinking about addiction somehow being contagious is a clear-cut sign of something not being right! I do know I am no better or no worse than any of those people who sit in the rooms regularly.
Will I ever feel like I completely “fit in” here in this world? Absolutely not! Most days I am okay with this, especially in regards to societies norms. I am 38 years old and have never been married, have come close a couple of times and thank God those relationships never worked out! I cringe at what my life could have been with some of those winners! Life is good, but I’m always searching for more and that is part of what I think makes me feel as if I just don’t fit in. Again, I’m okay with that.
This is the Original Wise Polish Girl signing off for the night!
If you are a struggling person out there with anything and are reading this, DON’T QUIT. Keep trying, move forward and never forget what Winston said, “If you’re going through hell, Keep Going.”