You are clean now and life is wonderful! The new euphoria you are experiencing is one you never felt before and then…… LIFE HITS as usual. The same shit stops, that were always there are now visible again. Front and center. Wait, isn’t this part of the reason addicts start using in the first place? I thought our total lack of coping with normal life crap plays a role in our using? Oh God, here we go. Should I go to a meeting? Should I find a sponsor? Panic sets in, what did those books say again? WHERE are those books? Dear God, I threw them in the trash!
Calm down, you got this. Somehow you made it this far. I’m not even thinking about using, so why am I adding undue stress? That is what we do. ADDICTS. What is the issue? Tackle it accordingly. Get your panties out of a wad and do what YOU do best. Make the list, where do you start first? What is and is not feasible? Yes it is cliché, but one miserable step at a time. Smile! Those steps really don’t have to be so miserable!
Please don’t misinterpret this entry, as it is all one big cakewalk. It is not! Currently I am struggling with dealing with an aging mother and care taking. The inner selfish child in me wants to scream, “This is not my problem. You have a husband.” I also carry the guilt that she is my mother and I’m her daughter. Therapist would argue, and ‘what does that mean?’ I guess for me, it means I love my mom and she was there for me and is a huge part of who I am today. I feel a sense of duty, respect and love. Along with that come resentments. Resentments I most likely will continue to work through the rest of my life.
What is the point of this entry? Doesn’t matter what the hell life throws your way. No reason to give up, throw everything you achieved back into the landfill and pick up again. I already know much worse is headed my way. I’ve dealt with worse before through my clean days and yet here I am. Life is hardly a ball of joy! Some days, truly are amazing. On the shittiest of the shit days, “When you can’t find the light, That got you through the cloudy days.” You know the rest, Peace!